Like many Americans Nick works a standard 9-5 office job during the weekdays. Also, like many Americans Nick eats too much fast food on his lunch breaks. “Things I Put in My Mouth” will be a re-occurring blog in which Nick documents and reviews new or interesting offerings from his favorite and least favorite fast food chains.
The other day I was the dangerous combination of both hungry and poor and found myself in the Taco Bell drive through line. Say what you will about the quality of food from Taco Bell (you should say it‘s terrible) but $5.00 at Taco Bell feels like the same spending power as $50 at Wendy’s. For this reason I ordered the Quesorito Big Box, which features the eponymous Quesorito, a Doritos Locos Nacho Cheese Taco, a regular taco, and a medium drink.
The Quesorito is a new(er) item on the Taco Bell menu, so let’s check out what the Taco Bell website has to say about the Quesorito for those of you who have both the sense and dignity never to eat at Taco Bell.
“[It’s] the best of a quesadilla and burrito rolled into one! It’s filled with seasoned beef, premium Latin rice, Chipotle sauce, reduced-fat sour cream, and then wrapped up in a grilled quesadilla loaded with melted cheeses.”
If you look at the picture on the website, it actually looks, dare I say, not terrible. Beef, rice, a little chipotle sauce for a zesty kick, some sour
Doesn’t look to bad, right?
Photo credit: TacoBell.com
cream, and a thin amount of cheese. I concede, in no way is it healthy for me, but if I wanted toasted salmon over baby arugula I wouldn’t be eating my meal out of a goddamn box. And so it is I pay for my cardboard intestinal disaster waiting to happen and return to my office desk to dig in and experience the joys of the Quesorito.
I will say this right away: there are few times in my life I can recall when I have been hungry and then after taking, without exaggeration, one single bite of food I immediately stopped being hungry. The Quesorito was so shockingly disgusting I didn’t just become not hungry anymore. I became negative hungry. I loss the will to eat for the rest of the day, and perhaps the rest of my life.
Where to begin? The cheese, oh god the cheese. It’s shittiness is omnipresent and unyielding. The denseness and sheer volume of cheese which coats your mouth upon biting into the Quesorito is like having a giant spoonful of peanut butter, but replace the peanut butter with neon stadium nacho cheese and then add some more cheese.
And don’t think for a moment that there’s anything to break up that cheese taste. With the exception of the thinnest black pepper-looking sprinkle of ground beef, there was no discernible taste or texture to my Quesorito. Judging by the color there was probably chipotle sauce applied at some point in the Quesoritio creation process (perhaps before they cranked it through the roof on a gurney during a lighting storm and shouted “LIVE! LIVE DAMN YOU!”) but again, the punch-to-the-face cheese taste virtually eliminates the chance you’ll ever taste anything resembling a chipotle.
Once I used one-fourth of my horse trough sized Dr. Pepper to try and wash out the taste of rapidly coagulating neon cheese from my mouth and throat I decided (foolishly) to try another bite. Perhaps, I thought, it was simply an error in cheese distribution. Perhaps like on an airline flight, cargo had shifted during travel and all the cheese had somehow migrated to the front of the Quesorito during the 2-minute drive back to my office.
But no, I was wrong. My second bite was just as bad as the first. I’m not even sure if they put rice in my Quesorito, or if they did perhaps the cheese had annexed it like a cruel orange dictator imposing its will on the sad proletariat rice. I no longer cared to know. I had another gulp of Dr. Pepper and summarily rounded up my big box and threw it into the big dumpster behind my work.
Two bites. That’s it.
[Click for Full-Size]
The pangs of my hunger until dinner that day were nothing I fear in comparison to the sheer terror my stomach would have experienced had I forced my brain, teeth, and my throat to collude into carpet bombing my stomach with an entire Quesorito. Anyone who has listened to the podcast knows I’m not a perfect man, but today and for the rest of my life I can hold my head up high and smile radiantly as I proudly tell the world I have never eaten an entire Quesorito.